Why Change Is Hard: A Nervous System Perspective

January often arrives with a lot of talk about change.  Whether that’s setting New Years resolutions, goals for the year ahead or promises to break unhealthy habits or create new supportive ones.

And while intention is powerful, there’s something important that often gets overlooked in these conversations:

change can’t be sustained without the capacity to hold it.

Many people don’t struggle because they lack motivation, discipline or desire. In fact, many are deeply committed to change.

What they struggle with is something far less talked about -  the limits of their internal capacity.

What Do We Mean by “Capacity”?

Capacity refers to what our system - particularly our nervous system - is able to tolerate, process and integrate without becoming overwhelmed or shutting down.

This includes our capacity to:

• feel certain emotions

• tolerate uncertainty or discomfort

• stay present with new experiences

• hold complexity or ambiguity

• remain connected to ourselves and others while something unfamiliar unfolds

  
  

Capacity isn’t about willpower.

It’s not about “pushing through.”

And it’s not something you can force or bypass.

It’s shaped over time through lived experience, relationships, stress, safety and protection.

When someone repeatedly tries to change a habit, behaviour or pattern and finds themselves slipping back, it’s often not because they don’t want change badly enough. It’s because the change is asking more of their system than it currently feels safe to give.

Change Isn’t Just Behavioural - It’s Protective

When we try to shift long-term habits or patterns, especially ones that have been with us for years, we’re not just working with behaviour.

We’re working with a nervous system in a state of protection.  One that learned to put up the defences for very good reasons. 

The patterns that play out in our lives, don’t emerge randomly. They often form as intelligent responses to earlier experiences - ways the body learned to manage stress, connection, belonging or threat. 

Over time, these responses can become familiar, automatic and deeply ingrained.

So when we attempt to remove or change them, the system may respond with resistance, fatigue, fear or shutdown - not because change is wrong, but because something unfamiliar can feel unsafe.

Why Safety Matters More Than Motivation

Without a felt sense of safety, even the most well-intentioned goals can quietly fall away.

And when that happens, old patterns often re-emerge - not because we’ve failed, but because familiarity often feels safer than the unknown.

Safety, in this context, doesn’t mean that nothing challenging ever happens. It means that the system has enough internal and external support to remain present, responsive and resourced in the face of challenge.

When safety is present:

• the system has more flexibility

• curiosity becomes possible

• new responses can be explored

• change can be integrated rather than resisted

  
  

This is why creating safety, both internally and externally, matters so much.

Safety is what allows capacity to grow. Capacity is what makes change possible.

Sustainable Change Happens When the Body Is Included

Much of the language around change focuses on mindset, discipline or strategy. While these can be helpful, they don’t tell the whole story.

Sustainable change tends to unfold when the body is included, not overridden.

When the body is excluded from the process, change can feel unnatural or forced. 

When the body is included, change can become something that unfolds gradually, at a pace the system can tolerate and integrate.

This doesn’t mean change is slow or passive. It means it’s relational — responding to what the system can genuinely hold, rather than what it’s being told it should be able to do.

If Patterns Keep Repeating, Nothing Has Gone Wrong

If you’re at a point where you are wanting to make change in your life, but feeling unsure or frustrated because certain patterns keep repeating, please know that there’s nothing wrong with you.

This is not about a lack of effort and it’s certainly not a personal flaw.  

It’s your nervous system doing what it evolved to do: protect you.

One gentle perspective to consider is this:

What if the question isn’t “How do I change?” 

But rather, “What needs to feel safer in order for change to become possible?”

That shift alone can soften a great deal of self-judgment and open the door to a more compassionate, sustainable relationship with change.

Building safety and expanding capacity is the very first thing that I support my clients to do when we work together. As their capacity grows, I tend to witness changes and a new way of being that unfolds naturally and with much greater ease.

If you’d like support to do this, please get in touch and we can discuss what this may look like for you.

CONTACT ME

With love,

Neena