The Fawn Response: The Hidden Survival Pattern Affecting Your Boundaries

Neena Saith
Nov 21
3 min read

Whenever I run group workshops, one topic almost always sparks deep reflection: the Fawn response. Most people have heard of Fight, Flight, or Freeze, but Fawn - the fourth survival response- is less widely discussed.

And yet, it’s extremely common.

Fawning can quietly shape how we show up in relationships, fuel anxiety, drain our energy, and sit at the root of challenges with boundaries and self-expression.

What Is the Fawn Response?

The Fawn response is a trauma-driven survival strategy. Instead of fighting or fleeing, we try to create safety by pleasing, appeasing, and avoiding conflict.

It often stems from unconscious beliefs like:

“If I keep the peace, maybe I’ll be okay.”
“It’s not safe to be me.”
“My needs are a burden.”

In childhood, fawning may have looked like smoothing over conflict or staying hyper-attuned to others’ moods. In adulthood, it often shows up as:

Saying “yes” when you really mean “no”
Minimising or ignoring your own needs
Over-apologising or people-pleasing
Avoiding even small conflicts
Feeling responsible for others’ emotions
Losing touch with your own identity

Fawning isn’t about being “nice.” It’s a survival response.

Why Fawning Is So Exhausting

Because fawning is often automatic, it can keep you in a constant state of tension and self-editing.

You might:

Say yes when you don’t have the capacity
Prioritise others’ needs above your own
Avoid even minor disagreements to “keep the peace”

Over time, this pattern can leave you feeling:

Drained
Resentful
Anxious
Disconnected from yourself

And you can end up on a pathway to burning out.

Boundaries: The Antidote to the Fawn Response

For people with a Fawn response, boundaries can feel scary.

Early experiences often taught that:

Conflict = danger
Disapproval = rejection
Expressing needs = unsafe

Yet boundaries are one of the most powerful tools for healing. They show your nervous system that:

You can say no and still be safe
You can disagree and still be loved
You can have needs and still belong

Start With Micro-Boundaries

Healing doesn’t have to begin with big, dramatic statements. You can implement some minor changes to begin, which will have a big impact.

You can;

Pause before responding
Remind yourself that your feelings matter
Give yourself permission to say “not right now”
Check in with your body before making commitments

These gentle boundaries, practiced consistently, rebuild trust in yourself.

Healing the Fawn Response

Recognising fawning is the first step toward reclaiming your energy and sense of self. Some practical ways to start healing include:

Naming it. Simply acknowledging the pattern and when it shows up is powerful.
Checking in with your body. Ask, “What do I feel? What do I need?” Notice what is happening in your body in that moment (contraction, heaviness, tingling etc).
Practicing micro-boundaries. Gentle “not right now” statements are transformative.
Reconnecting. Journaling, rest, or spending time with safe people - turn towards activities/people that help you reconnect with yourself.
Seeking support. Trauma-informed therapy can help shift long-standing patterns by getting to the very root of the behaviour patterns.

A Real-Life Example

When I first met Helen, she struggled with social anxiety and had difficulty setting boundaries at work and in her relationships.

As we explored her patterns, it became clear that fawning was playing a major role. Once she recognised it as a survival response—not a personal flaw—things began to change.

Over time, Helen:

Started prioritising small daily acts of self-care
Found it easier to uphold boundaries without guilt
Felt less triggered in social situations
Began trusting herself and speaking her truth
Learned to listen to her own feelings, not just others’

A Gentle Reminder

Many of our anxiety, people-pleasing, and difficulty with boundaries are protective patterns that once kept us safe. But these patterns can change.

You don’t have to earn love or safety by disappearing.